Solitude and meandering thoughts.

I think best when I’m sitting on the toilet bowl in the morning. This happens on occasions when I have the luxury of rolling around in bed until I’m fully awake. And it’s been a while. This morning, I woke up and thought I lost my soul, so I rolled some more but still I felt empty.

The last three months have been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. My closest friends would know about how a certain someone wrecked some emotional havoc within me. I was probably over reacting and irrational half the time, allowing my heart to get the better of me which I’m not prone to do because I am almost always a very rational and practical person. But indeed, with time, the dust has settled and I have regained full control, the inexorable truth has never been clearer. No more what-ifs, finding excuses and playing mind games. And I feel like a great burden has been lifted off my blades, if anything, this will make the separation a lot easier.

Concurrently, the final exams, the last breadth of the library air, a place that holds many fond memories. The extremely wide spiral staircase which I hate so much because I look like a lam-o walking on it and I also feel self-conscious because its really exposed. The place where I started developing hate for people just because I see them too much, that Korean guy and the disgusting one side gel-stuck flat hair one side bun guy. The Plaza Café where I spent numerous coffee sessions. And of course what would the library be without some eye candy to keep the studying going, although this year’s loot was pretty disappointing, only TG. Lastly, the library just wouldn’t have been the same without whining with Nat whom I exchanged many stories with, the sweet girl who stole so many guys’ hearts but who remains unconquerable and Flor who made somewhat infrequent appearances when she could tear herself away from Oxford ;)

And so the exams ended with minimum fuss and I was swept away immediately into a one month travel extravaganza which saw me visiting Paris, the city of lights, twice. I love the city mainly for the wide boulevards, the space which afforded a sense of freedom of spirit ala 1920s Moulin Rouge style and the majesticity of its monuments. I love Greece for the crazy beautiful beaches, lifestyle, people and food. I will always have a soft spot for Paros because that was where I met George Dong Lai, it was where we felt special because we were the only Asians around, it was where we first played beach tennis, it was where we took narcissist photos of ourselves prancing about in the water, each with a signature pose, it was where both young and old would feel at home and that I think is the true beauty of the island. Switzerland saw me taking charge, leading my parents and while frustrating at times because dad would nag or be paranoid that we were walking the wrong direction, I think I have proven myself to be a reliable, well-travelled “tourist”. You can’t really go wrong with mountains and lakes but to be honest, I think I’ve seen enough to last me a lifetime!

Convocation is really a formality, to give all the parents who have invested so much in their offspring an official day to say, “Yes, it’s all been worth it”. I hope my “almost first class honours” (in the words of my dad) degree made them proud.

The academic year started with a lot of apprehension. I was living with new house mates-all guys and I had no idea how that would pan out. Fortunately, things had a way of ironing out for me and I was blessed with living with thoughtful, responsible boys who laugh at me and make me laugh too. (Seriously, aubergine pasta and tomato cooked with vegetables Chinese style is not that weird okae!) Also, having lived in central London for two years, having to commute everyday now took some getting use to, but it has since become an inseparable part of my life. I take the opportunity to relax/zone out/reflect after a stressful day out and about and indulging in one of my favourite activities-people watching.

As everything winds down to a close, good friends leaving for good, London emptying out, it’s not the same anymore and I have new challenges to face. And I saw this coming from a long time ago. Sometimes I feel like I want to run, somewhere far away but in the end, you’re just running away from what you yourself fear the most. Sometimes I think how nice, it seems everyone has got it all worked out, know what they want and where they’re going, they just seem to have it all. Why can’t I be like them? But we’re all made differently aren’t we.

I’m in a state of what economists call, frictional unemployment. I feel like I have so much more to learn about the world, about society, about the community, about people. If you ask me what I really want to do at this point, I will tell you, I want to travel around Asia and help the poor children read and write, build infrastructure, farm the land, rear the animals. It’s something I feel like I should have done in the past but was neither resourceful nor brave enough to do. Now, I lack the courage and also I feel like I owe it to my parents to finally start a proper job. Therein begs the question and I’ve been asking myself this, trust me, time and again for the past month: Am I going to leave behind the life I spent three years building up and the city that sucked me dry financially, physically and emotionally? But also provided some of the greatest lessons on life I will ever learn. Am I going to swap all these chaos for the uniformity that is Singapore? So, is this it? Corrine May’s song comes to mind “Everything in its time’’. Where does my path lead and what lies ahead?