Hello

Hi there, been reviewing some of my posts from what 15-20 years ago. I'm surprised they still kept it. It used to be a beautiful site with colours and graphics and words properly aligned but now, it is just like in text form. Have to figure out how to get to that site again Fast forward 20 years, I am now a mother of a 6 year old, married to Mr Chid and dare i say still unpolished. The reason why I am back to blogging is because of a suggestion from Chat GPT when i typed "fulfilling activities for 38 year old stay at home mums, with 6 year old child in Singapore". This was suggested as one of the creative outlets. I am not very artsy so I am trying this out again as an outlet. I was unemployed for around 2 years after my redundancy from AM Best in 2022. By the time I completed my stint at AM Best, I have already had around 10 years of work experience. During this time, i tried to get a job again for 6 months but was not successful, I embarked on IVF in an attempt to get our 2nd child, I went through a period of mania plus depression and was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and I am thankful that he is now well recovered. I took around another 6 months again to land a job and here I am, 6 months into my new job after 2 years of unemployment. I got bored of staying at home after awhile. Sonia was at school for the full day, I was trying to fill my day with activities on a weekly basis. We of course still have Juariyah, our full time helper for the last 6 years who has seen our family through all the ups and downs. I track my mood on a daily basis as suggested by my therapist so that we notice patterns and intervene before depression or mania sets in. When Juariyah went on home leave for 2 weeks, my mood was up, i felt in control of the household and of course I was alot busier and did not have time to think about getting a job or feeling bored. In that 2 weeks, I have proven to myself that i can manage the household on my own which has given me a level of satisfaction and achievement. Of course it was work having to cook, balancing with my own excercise and activities (lunch with friends, piano class, yoga) and getting groceries but I was happy. I was also helping to run errands for the family on the weekdays. When Juariyah returned, things started returning to normal, she took back the household chores and I was left with going back to planning my weekly activities. It got boring, after an overall 2 year break from work and I decided to return to the workforce. I worked hard to get my current position as an assistant in the facultative property and engineering team at China Re. In the last 6 months, i have learnt a fair amount, sat for an exam, had more social interaction, been to Indonesia and Thailand for a site visit at a palm oil refinery and steel mill respectively. During this time, i also experienced my first incident of bullying. An assistant in my team shouted at me when I was 3 months into the job. The whole office heard the commotion. I broke down in tears in the office. Since then, I have been on edge with this lady and it has unfortunately led to a mini mental breakdown this week. I have been on MC the last 2 days, including today will be the 3 day MC that my GP prescribed for me. I feel guilty about not being at work as I have much to do, but perhaps this break is a reminder to myself of the vulnerability I have towards stress and a need to take myself out of the office environment. I have been fighting this stress for the last 3 months. Of course it hasnt always been high stress mode all the time as that would not have been sustainable, but I experienced bouts of stress during the last 3 months and this has been the most severe of all as I needed to be on MC. During this free time, I have spoken to my therapist. I described the stress symptoms that I was feeling, tension in the body and mind, gagging reflex, inability to work in the office environment. I also have fear about returning to the office on Monday, as the lady's presence creates tension in me. However, I need to push myself and persevere on to stay in the office and do my work as I have already taken a 3 day break. The conclusion from the session was to build more supportive relationships in the office. So I have to open up about how I'm feeling, to understand others' viewpoints and try to gain some support so that it's not just about her. I plan to talk to Weisi (call happening this evening at 6pm) and 1 more lady in the actuarial team. During this free time, it has also reminded me of my days when I was not working. Sending the small girl to school and picking her up... unstructured time in the day. I even took out my weekly schedule planner and seeing how to fill out my time, if I do move back to being a SAHM. How can I do it more right this time so that I do not get bored and see my time as fulfilling. Chid has a fear about not having a helper due to the convenience of having food at the table when back home, being able to go out for date nights and massages. But I am confident in my ability to take care of the household. However, how sustainable this is in the longer term is the question and no one will have the answer to that. Chid thinks I'm wasting my skills by staying home and of course he has a point, I might grow resentful or I could be at peace with my life. It is important to remember though that I am not just doing housework all the time, but also engaging in activites outside the home for e.g. yoga, pilates, badminton, potentially continuing my piano, potentially being a parent volunteer at SCGS, meeting friends for lunch, meeting other SAHMs such as Roz, Rachel, Shuwen, going for my therapy, blogging. The one big downside is not having an income and all these activties such as yoga, pilates, piano and therapy all cost substantial amounts of money monthly. Hence, as a housewife, you always feel the need to not spend and save money. My notice period is 3 months, just in time for the small girl when she starts primary school. I feel that I am giving up too easily and letting myself down by going down this route. Are the pros greater than the cons? I will definitely have more time with the small girl, but that could be draining as well as we all know that it is actually harder to be a SAHM than to be working. You also lose your sense of identity and most people I know will encourage me to work. It is also said and I always remember Siew Noi saying that highly educated women who stay at home have the poorest mental health. Am i jumping into the kettle pot with my eyes wide open and end up scalding myself badly? How did my mum stop working at the age of 37 and manage for the next 30 years till today? You know eventually when the kids reach secondary school age they will hardly need your attention as they gain independence, then what happens to you? If you are working you still maintain your corporate identity. If you are SAHM its another round of adaptation as you reconfigure your life to be away from the kids and focusing on your own needs. And what are your own needs at that point of time? The fear of working in this company is the relationship with this lady, can I overcome it? We are trying now. This situation has also reduced my interest in the other positive aspects of the job so it's really destructive. I am praying that I can go in next week and continue my work as per normal, and be happy and feel supported. Yet, a part of me just wants to throw in the towel which makes going to work difficult. Nobody told me that adulting was going to be so difficult. With love, kindness and compassion to myself Jillian